As a kid, I have often times heard my mom say “do not laugh so much or less you would have to cry later“, but I never could comprehend what it really meant or what did cry had to do anything with the amount I laugh.
This was the first myth that I came across and as I grew up, and things just kept adding to it. The more I grew the bigger the clauses got associated to being happy. Most of the time in my counselling sessions I have heard my clients say,
- “I can be happy only if I get good grades.”
- “I can be happy only if I study in a good institution or be an IITian.”
- “I can be happy only if I have a well paying job.”
- “I can be happy only if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend.”….And the list goes on…
In this process of wanting to achieve happiness, we actually forget to live in the moment and to be happy NOW and that is what real happiness is.
I believe, “Happy” is an internal expression of joy and satisfaction and not an external commodity to be associated with.
In this ever running race of life, we have forced ourselves to belief how achievement in life is equivalent to happiness, whereas a failure is equal to misery – which is so not true. The fact is, there is no set way to happiness or misery. It is these hardships and opportunities in life that help us grow and make a meaningful difference in our lives that in turn leads to our happiness or sadness.
Thus, it’s the choices that we make that decide our way to happiness or misery an not the event/ situation as such. These externally set a goal that assure us happiness only restrict our outlook towards life and happiness. Thus, blocking our view to look at the brighter side of life and making the if’s and but’s look like our destination.
Here are a few everyday myths that we all think are true:
Associating happiness with the other…
“Only if I have a life partner will I be happy”, “only if I have friends would I be happy“, “Only if I make my parents proud by this ‘xyz’ thing would I be happy“, are common myths that we all tend to relate to.
But happiness is not a destination, it’s a process –one that needs to be nurtured.
Happiness is not a yes or a not that states you have it or not; it’s about the experience we have in the middle and how that has changed and affected us. The hardship that the people shares is what makes a difference. In her book “The How of happiness”, Lyubomirsky states how the doing can make us happy. The book talks about a new approach to get the life you want and how engaging ourselves in meaningful goals and actually going a work can make us feel good regardless of what the outcome is.
Associating happiness with life achievements…
“Only if I am the best will I be happy,” “Happiness is…being an IITian”. 40% of the happiness is in your own hands. How we think and behave contributes a lot to how we feel. If we think and behave happy we feel happy. This thinking can also be in terms of how we see and perceive things. For example, getting in an IIT is an achievement but it hold its importance for the kind of prestige and name WE have associated it to. What if this perception was not associated with IITs and it was as regular as any other institute?
Positive emotions are always pulled down but the negative emotions…
Having to lose a game has more impact on the individual than winning one. This is because it tend to focus on the problem that needs our attention at that moment. And since we have this perception of ‘failure is for weak’ we tend to get more negative and hence lose on our happy side. Talking about the long run, researches say that positive emotions act as a reinforcement for us and as this positive emotions increases, it does not stop the negative emotions but instead control the effect it might have on us, therefore helping us remain happy. So it does not stop us from experiencing the negative but it only minimize its effect on us.
Hence, in happiness, there is no one-size-fits-all. It is subjective, and can have different names, meanings, reasons and situations associated to it. You don’t have to be happy because your friend was happy when he/she did the same thing. Your happiness is different from the others.
Happiness is an internal process, one that can surely be shared and spread across but not necessarily be determined by other’s standards and achievements.
