“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master”
Childhood is mostly considered as the best time of our lives. But sadly for some people, their childhood is a harrowing chapter that they’d rather erase from their book of life, and Manav is one of them.
As someone who grew up in an abusive family, Manav (name changed), a 32 year old PhD scholar at one of the country’s elite IITs, has come a long way from absolutely heart rending and unfair experiences.
“My mother has been very abusive and even my father for that matter. The earliest memory of me being abused was being physically hit in the bathroom with wet hands at the age of 4.”
The abuse which was not just physical but even emotional affected Manav to such an extent that he started losing his self-worth and confidence.
I still have the memories of wetting my bed. I remember that I used to wet my pants seeing my father’s angry face. Being hit so badly, being called a donkey every time despite my good performance in academics, had put me in a very painful state.
Due to the abuse which not just Manav but even his sister had to endure, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while he found himself moving into an emotional turmoil where he started developing OCD (Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder). The excessive thoughts challenged his sexuality to a point where he started fearing men.
“One thing about having an irrational thought is that while having it, everything appears very real. I used to wonder what if I develop homosexual tendencies. Even though nothing of that sort was actually happening, I was still having very distressing thoughts that my sexuality is slowly changing.”
Child abuse can never be justified and the way Manav’s mother treated him, it made him feel helpless which shattered his inner confidence even more.
“When you’re a child, the abuser becomes more aggressive because they know that you can’t really defend yourself. I couldn’t even express myself because if my mother found me feeling sad or mentioning anything bad that happened to me, she’d become more aggressive and blame me instead.”
Manav’s sufferings that had accumulated within him for years reached a breaking point and one day, he decided that he’s had enough.
One day, I lost it at my mother where all the pain and anger that had now turned into rage finally came out. I shouted at her for a good 2 to 3 hours and that was the starting point of my healing.
After this, the abuse somehow stopped but Manav had no idea that this rage was only the beginning of things to come.
“One day I stormed out of my house and started talking to random people on the street, random women in the malls just to see if I was really that worthless. My feelings were scattered. I started self-evaluating my thoughts to analyse whether it was due to my parents or really me.”
This experimentation and becoming aware of his thoughts provided Manav with a strong indication.
“During self-introspection, I felt that I might be going into a pitfall. I might become bipolar as well. I felt extremely lonely amidst my thoughts, so much that I used to feel like a 1000 needles were pricking me from the inside.”
As time passed, no rational thoughts could really help Manav deal with his inner rage and loneliness. After joining IIT, he still found himself boiling with anger like a volcano, an enormous energy waiting to be released at a trigger.
At this point, he decided to deal with that energy by seeking therapy.
“I experimented with a couple of YourDOST counselors before I zeroed in on Ms. Bhooma. She’s very experienced, knows integrity and has wide knowledge. I can say that she understood me better than I could understand myself.”
With Bhooma’s help, Manav came to terms with reality. He realised that he had to let go of the rage that he had held on to for so long and move on.
“I understood that there’s no point in reliving the daunting memories again and again. Whatever has happened is in the past and the only thing I can do is accept it which I now have for quite some time. Some wounds remain but I’m at least on the right path.”
After a few sessions, Manav learnt that his rage is nothing but his grief as a mask. Grief that he feels for himself and his sister as they couldn’t have a normal childhood because of their parents.
I’ve come to realise that people actually develop anger to hide the weakness caused by the sadness which they carry.
Manav has accepted the pain, a courageous step and he’s okay with it. According to him, he’s changed a lot after his therapy –
“My anger has reduced for sure as I don’t get angry out of the blue unless there’s a trigger. At that time, I try to become intensely aware of my anger and allow it to take control of me. I surrender myself to the anger and then it gradually reduces in size. I’m not 100% through with it but I feel much better now.”
With these changes, Manav has also developed a tremendous amount of humanity and gratitude. Considering the amount of emotional pain that he had seen around him, he has become very empathetic to others’ sufferings.
My notion today has changed. My sister is in a seriously emotionally disturbed state and I never tell her that it’s all in her mind. I know it’s real.
For all the people out there reading Manav’s story, he has just one message –
“If someone going through from an emotional issue is reading this, the only path to recovery is to face your fears. It may seem easier said than done but I did it. It will seem difficult in the beginning but in the end, what matters is how you feel.”
It’s very difficult for any survivor to knit his pain into words and for that, we truly appreciate Manav’s courage and dedication to self.
Are you someone who has gone through a difficult phase and emerged stronger and better, with some professional help? Share your story with us to encourage thousands of others who might be struggling. Click here to submit your story.
Manav’s Warrior Tips:
1. Each one of us deserves to have a peaceful mind. So whatever you can do to stay in that direction, you should do it
2. There’s no point in reliving your past. The only path to recovery is to face your fears
3. Standing at the core of your belief is the only way out
