Hello! I am Akshaya. I’m 18 years old. Things that I’m really interested in are: true crimes , unsolved mysteries, psychology, painting , writing , singing , and anything artistic in general.
I was only three when I was sexually assaulted by my cousin, it happened on multiple occasions and I was told that “It’s A Game” so “I should play along”. I had expressed that I wasn’t comfortable or ok doing any of that. But it didn’t matter. That stopped when I was about six I guess.
When I was in school, I was bullied by my family, classmates and some teachers. I was body-shamed by my own family, they said things like – “You’re fat, “You need to eat less”, “how can she participate in sports with all that weight?” and what not. Many of my teachers at the time would label me a failure and a good for nothing. My classmates also called me names and bullied me because I was, well a failure.
No one and I mean absolutely no one thought that it should stop . You see if your friends were bullying you, you could tell your family. But If your family is bullying you, whom will you turn to?
I eventually reached a point where I had convinced myself that I deserved all of it.
I hit rock bottom after my grandfather passed away. He was the only one who cared.
That was the first time I felt the loss of someone close to me. After his death, I was just upset all the time. I cut ties with a lot of my friends. I hated school. I was telling myself that I was just a waste of space and resources and every night I just hoped I would die.
The self harm started when I was in 8th grade. I would get angry at the smallest of things and I would take out that anger on myself, I would hit myself, bite myself and bang my head against the wall. This continued for a long time. Eventually my parents found out about it, they were very shocked at first, they cried and screamed and fought but that’s also when things started getting better. My parents stopped shaming me, they wouldn’t compare me to others and even when I got bad grades, they just tried to motivate me to do better. All of that really helped me cope.
I also left that toxic school and started going for therapy. I didn’t do very well in my 10th. I got 58% and passed. Luckily, I got into a prestigious institution. It was a new environment and there was a college counselor, I took some help from her and picked up some hobbies. The environment that I was in was very different from that of school.
I started working on loving myself. It’s been about 3 years now and I’m trying to be more kind. The new positive and encouraging environment really helped me out a lot.
I have a lot of goals and dreams. I aspire to become a psychologist, a motivational speaker , actor etc.
I still do deal with body image issues from time to time but I’m learning to embrace myself the way that I am and I am beautiful.
I am really close to my mum now and I have a close knit friend circle. My friends have helped me stay grounded.
After attempting to kill myself on multiple occasions – now I’m grateful, I’m grateful for my mum, I’m grateful that I am alive and for everything that I have.
To anybody who is struggling with suicidal thoughts – It’s okay, take one day at time. Try to find what you love and pursue that. Beware of all the times you’re adding a negative term/word after “I AM” and slowly replace those negative words with positive ones. It’s hard and weird at the beginning but the more you do it the better and easier it gets. You can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you put your mind and heart to. Just be kind to yourself.
If you or someone you might be battling with suicidal thoughts, please know that we’re here for you. Connect immediately with an Expert at YourDOST
