I tried to take my own life when I was 16 years old.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and high school was getting to me. I was also struggling academically and it got to a point that I just couldn’t take it. This is when I attempted to end it all. I tried to strangle myself but I chickened out midway because I was scared that I would lose my voice, very amusing if you think back on it.
I don’t know if I should say this or not but some days, I regret that I didn’t go through with it and other days I am grateful that I stopped when I did.
It hasn’t been an easy life. It took me a long time to reach out for help.
My family doesn’t know about my attempt and I would like to keep it that way. I have been pretty vocal about my mental health in general but I haven’t told my family about my attempt. We haven’t discussed the aspect of suicide and suicidal thoughts with each other. Another reason why I can’t find the strength to talk to them about it is because I know it will shatter them to pieces.
This is why I would like to stay anonymous today. I do have a supportive family and a first circle that is there for me if I need them. I also run a page on Instagram along with a friend of mine where we talk about our struggles with Bipolar Disorder. This acts as an outlet for me.
I am seeking therapy for myself and have been on medication for two years now. I have good days and bad ones.
On particularly bad days, it all tends to come down on me and I am tempted to kill myself, even self harm but I think that is when it becomes even more important for me to surround myself with people who care about me.
I have a very supportive psychiatrist and with his help, I have managed to “manage” those thoughts and impulses.
He is very compassionate and also passionate about what he does. He has educated my family about my condition and how they can help me. Now, I am able to approach my parents if at all, I feel like I am not doing too well. They are very understanding and we have even created a safety plan together.
People have this misconception that suicide is selfish but in truth, it is an abject of hopelessness. It is a measure of our pain.
Even at the moment, I am going through a rough patch but I have my doctor with me and that gives me a lot of strength to fight this. It makes me feel a little less alone and helps me believe that recovery is possible. It doesn’t always have to be this way, I can get better.
Here’s another important thing about recovery, it is not linear so it is never like once you get better, you never experience it again.
I think relapses with mental illness are very common and it is not something to be ashamed of.
Experiencing a relapse doesn’t mean that your progress is nullified. That is not true at all. Relapse is a part of progress, it can happen to all of us in some form or the other. One step forward, two steps back – but we still keep trudging on and I think that is what makes it so painfully beautiful.
I look at other people who have been vocal about their attempts and personally look up to them. Their stories have been a source of great strength to me.
Seeing other people like me, who have been through similar experiences, survive and thrive gives me hope that I can dream of a future where I can live a fulfilling and fruitful life.
This keeps me going.
For privacy reasons, the author has requested to stay anonymous.
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