Question: I have been married for 9 years now. My relationship with my wife is now very casual. The initial 3 years of our married life were wonderful and we spent them in India. Then, I moved abroad and she joined me after a gap of 2 years. Now, we are not in a sexual relationship since past 5 years although we have a 7-year-old child.
When my wife joined me here, I noticed she has lost interest in sex. Every time I try to convince her about sex, she becomes rigid. I have been asking her to consult a doctor for this, however, she’s in no mood to see a doctor. In fact, she’s clearly told me, “I do not want a sexual relationship ever and you have to change your mindset.”
Despite my silence on the topic, every time I request or force her for sex, my wife gets irritated and ends up crying at times. I don’t know what I should do now. How should I deal with my wife in the future? Please help me. – By Anonymous
Answer by Aishwarya Sathyanarayanan: This must be an extremely difficult time for you. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage; it is an expression of the bond and the love a couple shares for each other. The lack of sex, thereof can lead to a buildup of resentment and anger in the relationship. I can understand how rejected you must be feeling due to this, despite trying hard to initiate and re-ignite the relationship on a sexual level. Sex can be an exceptionally emotional subject for women. Anger, stress, certain events in daily life, all can affect the need a woman would feel for sex.
From what you have stated, I understand that you have lived apart for a few years. There may be a need for reconnection for the time lost here. Marriage is about growing together, understanding and knowing your partner on a deep, intimate level. The time that she lived apart from you may have created a discord in her mind affecting the connection.
I would suggest you take this slow by concentrating on building intimacy, physically and emotionally, goal being to create the bond. I understand she is not ready to consult a doctor, but I would suggest you take the step and contact a marriage therapist for yourself to start. As she feels the change, she will ease into the idea of therapy and deepening of sexual intimacy; eventually even sex.
A healthy relationship is a mix of good communication, trust and mainly mutual respect. Explore how you can imbibe these in your relationship. And most importantly, work on yourself by revisiting your passions and finding healthy outlets to negative emotions. As you grow individually and in the relationship, the sexual discords will also resolve. Take care!
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