Trigger warning: Sexual abuse
Diving into the journey of healing herself, Jagriti Raj, a 26-year-old UPSC aspirant, is set to be a change-maker by starting the process within herself.
Born in a small town in Bihar, Jagriti grew up in the vibrant cities of North India, from Rajasthan to Chandigarh and finally to Delhi, before coming to Bangalore to pursue her civil servant ambitions.
Jagriti’s grandmother was her confidant growing up, as she could feel a sense of security with her. She explains that she used to feel detached from her parents and never opened up to them.
Jagriti was always involved in extracurricular activities during primary school, but her involvement dropped off when she joined boarding school. She described feeling her confidence decline as she was out of her comfort zone in a new environment.
Jagriti still managed to redirect her focus more on books and occasionally played musical instruments like the Sitar.
Jagriti moved away from home and started taking responsibility for her own life. She also found a partner in Bangalore who was supportive of her dreams. Even after that, things started getting difficult as she embarked on her journey to become an officer of power. She says she found herself in a productivity crisis as she tried to crack the most challenging exam in India.
“When my burnout turned into anger towards my partner, I knew I had to find a way to deal with it along with some of my childhood trauma.”
Jagriti needed clarification about the way forward as she relied on her family for financial support. Her friend, who works in QureAI, found a way for Jagriti to seek help from YourDOST. Through her company’s subscription, she opted to nominate Jagriti as her dependent so that she could also use the counselling platform.
Jagriti got access through her friend and booked an appointment with the available counselors. Initially, she explored different therapists, and eventually, she found her vibe with Ms Rineeta Banerjee, whom she elucidates as the counselor with the right questions.
“Ms Rineeta was not just a good listener; she asked challenging questions that I was afraid to ask myself. It prompted me towards self-awareness.”
She adds that she was glad that she could find the resources at the direst of times and was growing fond of her therapist, who helped her unravel each of her issues one after the other.
Jagriti explains that her lifestyle, which involved studying alone, was suffocating her. She was also processing some childhood trauma- which led to her having anxiety and panic attacks frequently.
As a child, Jagriti went through specific traumatic incidents even though her parents and grandparents looked after her. She has been holding the memories of them within herself for many years. She had finally decided to open up about them in Therapy.
“I was sexually abused when I was five to eight years old. My parents are still not aware of the incidents as my relationship with them has always been overtly negative.”
It was when Jagriti went to boarding school that things finally stopped as she was away from her abusers. Even though initially it felt out of place for her- gradually, she realised she could develop independently, putting her past behind her.
As years passed, instead of dealing with the past, she started repressing her trauma, and her dynamics with her parents didn’t get any better, either. Jagriti deemed that they were too critical of her. It was only with Therapy she realised that all of these were the root cause of her anger issues with her inner circle and her anxiety.
“When I had quarrels with my partner, my anger was misplaced because I was not managing my emotions well since childhood.”
She expresses that she finally understood the need to talk about her unresolved issues from the past and put them behind her. Jagriti also acknowledges her therapist’s support in her transformation.
After every session, the counselor also assisted Jagriti in connecting with her emotions by making her journal whenever she had an overwhelming feeling. At the end of each session, they would return to the journal letters to figure out the aspects, says Jagriti.
Apart from this, to concentrate on her productivity concerns and anxiety, the counselor suggested Jagriti some mindful techniques and breathing exercises to calm herself down and focus reasonably.
“I no longer use conventional methods or burst out when I feel stuck. The tasks I did along with Therapy put me at ease as they helped me process my grief. It made me feel good.”
Jagriti elucidates that Ms Rineeta had the proper techniques to overcome her traumas and productivity issues. She adds that eventually, she became mindful of her emotions and understood when to prioritise herself.
“Earlier, if someone had told me that being in touch with your emotions feels fulfilling, it would have been confusing for me, but nowadays, I feel it’s liberating, and things that used to haunt me are not there anymore. I’m able to talk about my past without shivering, and I do not freeze on reading about any other rape cases.”
As she feels free from the shackles of her past, she credits her counselor for bringing these changes to her. She describes that after settling the clutter in her mind, Jagriti’s changes became visible. Her partner recognised the improvements and added that she had made tremendous progress in processing her issues, and Jagriti believes she can overcome everything ultimately – with the help of therapy
“I understood it is okay to be sad or take time just to breathe, and with the tools from Therapy, I don’t feel burdened anymore. I can get back to the grind feeling content about my process.”
She has also tried to incorporate meditation into her daily routine, and Jagriti explains that she feels like a new person. Even on a slow day, she can point out her reasons and causes for any downslope on the graph, making it easier for her to work on.
“A person’s improvement is not quantified. If I feel growth at the end of each day, I’m satisfied with my efforts and myself. I believe that is what improvement is.”
Having made harmony with herself, Jagriti rates herself 4.5 out of 5 in terms of feeling better, which is a huge accomplishment. Now, being the proactive person she is, she emanates her vibrance with strength training in the gym daily!
As she continues the healing process, we are abundantly proud of her and wish her the best of luck. We are confident that she will become an office of respect.
Jagriti’s Warrior tips:
1.“Change is difficult, but remember that you are not doing it for anyone; you are doing it for yourself and have nothing to prove to anyone.”
2.“Therapy and emotional wellness support are available to help you become a sounder version of yourself; seek them when needed.”
3.“It can be intimidating to speak out about our scars, but once we concede, we can be set free.”
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