There are at least six types of human beings in every office. If it were up to me, I’d get them all to wear hats, so that I’d know which type of human I’m dealing with. But the HR department has rules, and I can’t have my way with them.
So away with the hats! Let me introduce you to the staple office personalities the old-fashioned way.
1. The Meeting Madcap: This is the fellow that calls for a team meeting to decide which pizza to order for team lunch and then drags it to a point where you feel like pulling your hair out. Or his.
Barbeque chicken? No. Paneer tikka? Maybe. Wasting thyme (see what I did there)? Positively.
Since when do you need a checklist to evaluate pizza toppings? This guy will even send one of those horrid little calendar requests that’ll beep incessantly on your screen like a traffic light gone wild and give you psychedelic nightmares in your sleep.
2. The Confused Communicator: This swell gentleman will email you, message you, call you, stalk you and scare you, all in five minutes. Because just an email is so old school.
3. The Champion Chatterbox: She’s the girl who thinks your face is God’s answer to a real chat room. She’ll corner you in the corridor, trap you in the canteen and rant to you in the washroom. She’s the bearer of new gossip and the sharer of fresh woes. You mentally reward yourself with a chocolate bar every time you clock a face-time of more than five minutes with her. But seriously, any excuse for another chocolate bar is reason enough, so hey.
4. The Workaholic Whackjob: This character is in office when you arrive in the morning and when you leave in the evening. You can swear you’ve seen him opening the shutter once or twice too. His fingers tap away at his laptop keyboard like mini tap dancers performing in unison. And he is always busy. He is always late for lunch, doesn’t have time for conversation and walks around with a perpetual stress-face. Watching him brings back flashes from the ‘Walking Dead’.
5. The Dabba Demolisher: You know that person who eyes your food shiftily and makes suggestive (and disturbing) statements like “Hmm, your food smells nice today” as he inches progressively closer towards your food? With him, I’d say watch your precious cupcake like a hawk. I’d even say label it with a post-it note. It’s ALWAYS worth it for that extra bite of cake. In the long run, you’ll realize that people eventually flake off from your life. But cake? The cake will ALWAYS be there for you.
6. The Terrific Time-Keeper: This marvelous soul swipes in at 9, swipes out at 5, refuses to pick up after-hours calls, but charms her bosses like a boss. And just when you decide that it’s a great practice to follow and try to sneak out at 5:30, ten pairs of eyes follow you all the way to the door where the security guard pipes up with a “Half Day ah, Medum?” So much for trying!