Thank you for opening up about your concerns here.
It sounds like you are feeling unsure about your own choices that you have made so far, about not engaging in physically intimate relationships - and this seems to be because - you somehow seem to be sure that someone you get married to will have a past, where they would have been intimately involved with someone, and this somehow makes it pointless, from your perspective, to have maintained your integrity, as you put it?
Well zapata, I would invite you to think upon a few lines --
- It seems as though your real motivation for refraining from having intimate relationships so far, is your expectation that you could have a partner who would do the same as well (retain their virginity). And now that you cannot be sure of that, you seem to be feeling frustrated and regretful about your choices?
Then I would invite you to think.... why is it so important for you that your partner be a virgin.
- What is your real concern of your partner having such a past or not being a virgin - what matters really is how that makes you feel about yourself. I am wondering if that would make you feel any less special, in your relationship with her or what you both would share? If it is so, I wonder where such beliefs might be coming from?
Because every relationship has its place, yea. And what you would share with your partner will be unique and special and will have its place - regardless of your past or hers.
Does your partner's sexual history, in any way, affect how confident and secure you might feel about yourself, in relating with her, after marriage? In that case, this insecurity might be the issue, and not anybody's virginity or past choices.
And it is okay to feel insecure, if that is the case. It's a natural part of being a person, and being in relationships, and if the insecurity is bothersome, it can be addressed and worked through. The point is, to recognize what the real concern is, so you could invest your energy in addressing that accordingly.
Hope this gives you some direction for reflection. You are also welcome to connect with an expert on the platform for sessions, to discuss this further and explore your feelings with support.
Best wishes and regards,