I am in my final year of engineering with a decent job. I belong to a well off middle class family and there has been a lot going on for the past 6 years and it is becoming difficult to live. I used to be a topper till 10th standard and I don't remember getting a rank below 4th. Although my family is very religious,but at the age of 12-13 I stopped believing in God. I always loved science but aimed to become a historian or archaeologist. I was forced into Science Maths and run a rat race for IIT. That's when I started hating it. My father literally brainwashed me into believing that life is literally over if I don't make it to IIT and that fear and hatred of not being given that choice made me fear the subjects and my performance fell drastically and in Allen coaching tests my rank would be 700+ out of 800. I didn't have mobile or social media in school, nor any friends to talk to on the phone because I took dummy school on 11th and didn't have numbers of old school students.
My father who is an engineer completed his graduation in normal college in Pilani, Rajasthan, however he brags that he studied in BITS Pilani. He used to give opposite advices to study and crack IIT. Like don't practice MCQ questions even my coaching focussed on them. He only asked me to go through theory.
Whenever I used to feel low or I cried he always said that I am cowardly and girlish..... sometimes 'HIJRA' too (Gay). I have been mocked and humiliated by him in front of my relatives and my mother is always angry and shouts.
I didn't clear IIT and got 60% in 12th boards.( My fault that I did overthinking I made up my mind that engineering is not my cup of tea so I took a firm decision to not to take up. But my father beat me up and forced it on me again.
I am grateful that my parents provided me with everything related to studies (not health), best school/coachings and AC in my room in 12th standard, books everything.
But I was born with Anosmia (disability of having a sense of smell), they never did anything about it, doctor said it could have been corrected have I tried at young age. Thanks to that I still don't know what smell is. In eighth standard I used to cry because of eye aches, after much forcing they took me for checkup and I the doctor gave me huge number.......but they refused to provide me glasses/lens and said "Apne aap theek ho jayega". Still I managed to top the exams and got my spectacles in nineth standard.
I studied in christian missionary coed school and had a crush on a girl since 5th standard (2009) a really sweet and kind hearted person. I never dared to talk to girls back until 12th.
I joined college in my home city, completed first year and in 2018 I found my school crush on instagram ( I literally had same person as crush since 2009, everytime my college classmates enquired about my crush, I used to avoid it I thought its been 9 years so I should perhaps confess it to her and give it a try. After talking to her for 5 months I came to know that she made fun of me because I used to be a nerd in school and boring ( I was never bad in looks and in college I got perfectly comfortable talking to girls too). I took a bold step and decided to confess it to her so that I can be free from suffering and its high time to end it. Very decently I confessed and clearly wrote that I don't expect an answer. She flattered me and said that's sweet etc, but behind my back she shared all of it and called me a psycho for sticking to the same love for years. Feelings that I kept untouched and private to me for 9 years were now public.
Even after that I helped her sister to unite my crush with her crush ( I know silly thing). I thought this good deed would make me free.
Anyways I moved on after getting my first backlog in exams. Next year in 2019 few of the students from school made a fake Instagram Phishing page after doing some cyber security course and managed to fool many people and steal their passwords. Long story how I got access to the list of passwords and warned all of my friends whose names were in the list. I never logged in into anyone's account. I even returned my crush's and her boyfriend's passwords. To be on a safer side I asked people to fill a google form as testimony that I saved their accounts so that in case in future I can safeguard myself against any problems. I came to know that my crush neither filled herself nor let others fill by saying we shouldn't get involved in these stuffs, "password deke achaa kaam kiya hai na ki ahsaan"
In that same year I lost my grandfather too, someone I was close too. By that time I became emotionally numb, I couldn't really cry no matter how much I wanted to.
In the same year 2019 I thought maybe I am falling for another person now.....best way to move on. She was a school junior and gradually became my closest friend.
I used to write a diary in google drive file, I really don't know how or with whom I had shared the folder but that person got access to my diary and told my new crush that I like her. She told me that she considered me as an elder brother for the past two years and blocked me (happened in October 2020). I don't remember ever writing anything bad or creepy ever.
Also because of clashes between my mother and grandmother my father got angry and attacked my mother. This was the third time I saw domestic violence though being grown up I saved her.
I was never given any pocket money in school and in college I receive 300 rupees as monthly allowance. I can rarely go to canteen with my friends and manage with a little pocket money. Still I save some amount and feed one single beggar kid from a nearby bakery .
Its not that we are poor or uneducated rurals. My pardada ( great-grandfather) was a chief engineer in Indian Railways, my grandfather held the same position, my father has a government civil engineering job, my mother has a teaching job too. My grandmother gets my grandfather's pension.
My younger sister always received more attention and love which spoiled her. My parents use my negative example "beta apne bhai jaisi mat ban, mazboot ban, padhai kr,"
Still I was never allowed to drive scooty or car, given mobile. I never asked for computer games and for 4 years I wore clothes of my elder cousins whereas my mother wore expensive sarees.
My parents are really good, caring and very honest people overall. Its just that they are somewhat toxic to me.
As a kid being an introvert I got myself into different hobbies like classical flute playing, bonsai, astronomy, paintings, aquarium hobbyist. Only possible with the support of my grandparents. But now none of them interest me. I am dying inside.
There is a lot more going in my life....I am tired of writing. Why do I always suffer????? I was always sanskari, as a kid I used to worship daily, never made any demands other than garden pots, treated every girl like my sister (even in college I love to be called as bhaiya), I never use abusive or cuss words . I loved only one person for 9 years and what not (I still do maybe). Even after that I am suffering and I honestly can't disclose all of it to a friend.
Sorry if I sounded a one sided story teller or self-pitying person but my mind is a terrible place to live for me now. I can't sleep or cry or laugh at all. I have dark circles and I am just 21 years old I am almost bald now. You won't recognize my face from 3 year old pics. Please save me from my own brain. It is driving me completely mad and I can't hold on to hope any longer.