I am a 40-year-old single woman, independent and living by myself. I failed to buy a house for myself and living in a rented house for 15 years.
I have been constantly feeling a lot of load of responsibilities at both work and home, and when I look back all the years lost, I am feeling that I was better off to focus on myself, been selfish and should have taken care of health and relationships better. I was too naive to help my family and extra charity at work, too many years of 24x7 availability to work.
I do not know what is problem statement that I need to focus on. I fail to take decision of buying a house, or car or deciding to get married. I keep thinking about what to do but nothing moves forward.
I am scared that my story may not end well in the end. I am not willing to go back to my parent's house or take their help if I need anything. I am scared I don't have anyone if I don't get married. I am scared to keep them at my house because they are becoming dependent on me and not making efforts to earn their living on their own I mean siblings). Although I said to carry on with their lives, my parents are still not focussing on getting my siblings married off. when I remind of that, they are turning sour on me and it's a fight each time that topic comes up.
I took care of them from past 15+ years financially, now I am feeling guilty that I should not have taken care of them. that would have forced them to settle down if I didn't support them. My siblings take my help but they don't share anything about them. there is no family kind of feeling.
My childhood had been bitter, I saw a broken marriage between parents, my mother stayed in the marriage because of me and my siblings, and she was not financially independent. My father married his colleague after me and 2 siblings were born. It is so common, said it is common, but I never thought and still don't believe it was. I saw a woman in my mother who did not stand up for herself and she also accepted him back when the other lady threw him out after using him after many many years.
We had no answers why he used to be absent at home some days of the week and whey he was not home. Why was he bringing some other children home and asking them to play with our stuff, and why were they calling him daddy, it was blood boingly irritating. I was probably 8 or 9 years old, and my siblings were younger. None of them seem to have a problem with it, but it set me off quite early and my disbelief in marriage.
Although I was sent to school and was given the privilege of education, I was treated badly at home. I was asked to do household work, but my brothers were not asked to. I did not ilke this.
at some point they planned to get me married off to a mentally challenged relative which i said will fast to death if they didn't stop it and revolted against it. somehow that was stopped. I started pulling my hair at that point, and that habit still remains after 20+ years.
I am scared to get married as I don't know if I had to bear a bad person like my father, I probably can't bear as my mother did. My mother confuses me as at times she looks strong and at times looks weak. My father doesn't take any responsibility for not getting me married at right time. They blame me instead saying they searched a lot but it was me who did not choose what they got. Whatever it is I take responsibility for my choices and my life situation, I don't mind if they blame me for my state.
my parents both mother and father always said in my childhood and compared me with other kids saying I am not good looking, and I should not fly high. Oh if I was good looking I would have thrown more tantrums, they used to pass comments like this. For them when I remind them these memories, they deny speaking such and moreover, they say why I am digging those now.
I remember how cheaply they behaved with me when i was a child, and now they treat me as someone important just because i am only earning member of the family.
But I am everyday feeling bad that they don't even have a word of care or concern of how i will live alone and what if something happens to my health who will take care of me.
I know for sure i will never go back to my parents house as i hate the feeling of being dependent on someone and i can't tolerate even a word or vibe if someone will show me that I'm depending on them.
I feel unapreciated for so much of hard work, value i bring to the table at office and also at home still trying to take care of my semi/unemployed siblings who are 30+ year old. I feel ashamed that my parents esp., my father is a loser who doesn't take responsibility of setting the family right.
sometimes i feel, me and my mother have been used for benefit of men in the house, my father and siblings and sometimes i feel my mother is the trouble maker who was responsible for creating communication gaps within eveyone, by acting mediator of communication between all of us so far from several years.
I really don't know what my problem is, and how many problem i have and which problem i should solve first. I frequently fall sick these days and I am discovering new new problems in my body from past 2 years which i never expected, otherwise i am a very healthy person.
I aspired to get married to someone who can understand and respect me, which i couldn't manage to find one.
I aspired to own a house, where I have a beautiful kitchen, garden, and pet that I can enjoy and take care of, I failed to do so
I aspired to own a car and drive myself around the city and outside, and feel that air through the window, but I failed to do so
I aspired to knit the broken family together trying to help my siblings education, paying for their tutions, school fees etc., but still, they are not settled in their profession, and one of them is just on the loose, not sure what he is up to. I failed to help them settle down. I struggled a lot for my education and my career, and lack of money was very tough on me, as I had to work extra hard to get those ranks and stuff for scholorship etc., I made that easy for my siblings and gave them the education they otherwise could not afford to. But I failed there too.
I was able to study, get myself a good career. although i struggle a lot in my career due to politics of office, i am surviving.
I was able to rebuild old house for my parents to get them better living but i am commented on saying that they were better off in their old house and that i forced them to renovate the house. reason i wanted to renovate the house was that old house was too small and very uncomfortable. they don't feel good about the new house, they made me feel so bad that i had to stop full renovation and do adjustment renovation which makes the house look good from front, but from inside and back side it looks pathetic with old house intact.
Everything I did in life feels and makes me feel I am a failure, I am surviving thinking that there are other people in the world who don't have basic food, shelter resources, so I am better off and I should be grateful for what I have. I live for a few days like this and then again when I see someone who is 10+ years younger than me living a better life than me, I go into depression again. when I look at such people they have stable families where their parents, siblings support them positively. In my case, it is not so. It is me always helping my parents and siblings, but they don't do anything for me, other than depending on me.
I can afford to buy a house but i am scared, all the money of life will go away, and if something happens to me later, if there is no support of money, then how to take care of myself feels like a scary situation to me.
i don't know which problem i should solve first, and which issue to take up first, or is there really anthing to solve?
what is my problem statement?