I am a 33 year old single man. Since childhood I wanted to find one person as my true love fall in love with her and marry her after dating for few years. Before going to college I never got involved into any relationship like my other friends did. I thought relationships at this age will not last. I shall not date anyone just for passing time. I shall only date with my true love. I was from a conservative religious family. So I used to belief that I should not get into any sort of physical relation before marriage. That is sin and disrespecting the person I love. I thought I shall find my love by age 22 and get her married at 27 so I should not hurry GOD will find me the right person in right time.
If you want to understand my situation fully please read the events below or jump the questions that are always running in my mind.
EVENT 1: FIRST AND ONLY RELATION
However, that did not happen. I fell in love with one girl at age 23 but I got into a relationship with another girl who was my best friend at that time. I trusted her so much. But she broke my trust. Her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she said her father has choosen a husband for her so she cannot continue relation with me. I was devastated. I tried to talk to his father but she denied any chances. Few months later I figured out that she is actually marrying her ex. Her father did nothing with it. Instead she was jealous that I liked another girl so she wanted to destroy it so she created drama to show false affection for me and use relationship with me to make her ex jealous so that he proposes her family. I had this relationship at last year of my college only for three months. So far this has been the only relation in my life
EVENT 2: TELLING MY TRUE LOVE
After college I joined job but I was devastated I hated every girl I saw, but I always missed the girl I used to like that I could not even tell because of my ex. Now I was afraid that she knows about my past relation she will never except me. At age 27 I finally make up my mind to tell the girl I missed every day that I love her and she is my true love. I miss her everyday since college 3rd year. She was shocked but she politely rejected me. Said, I am a very good guy and she is not very good. She has some past that will hurt me. I deserve better. She does not want to hurt me. I wanted to know what will hurt me? She didn't answer.
EVENT 3: She moved to USA permanently
For the next two years I passed waiting for her thinking she will accept me someday. I knew she was also single so I persisted. But two years later she went to USA permanently with her family. And that time she told me that she love someone else who also lives in USA she will not marry anyone except him. And she is going to marry him after going to USA.
But an year passed by she didn't marry. I thought may be she told this to drive me away, so I still sent her emails sometimes tried to contact. She told me to find a girl for myself and never ask her about her past
EVENT 4: Some harsh truths
2 more years passed by. I was still trying to pursue her. Wanted to move into USA for higher studies. Then from a mutual friend of us I came to know few things about her. She had secretly dated several persons before, during and after college Before going to USA she made and extra martial relation with a guy in US but after going there that relation broke apart. Her family set up an arrange marriage for her with a model looking guy. But just couple of day before the marriage date she break that too. Now she is dating another guy who is also married and she is planning to go on a live together with him. She also told to my friend that i am a very unsmart boy. I am not from her race and she will never marry someone of other race In the last email her current boyfriend intervened and he insulted me saying that he live in New York I don't even make his couple of weeks salary in entire year so I beggars like me should stay away from her.
By this time I am 32. I think my brain is no longer functioning. I haven't even kissed a single girl in my entire life all because I was waiting for my true love. I haven't dated in 15 years since when I reached adulthood. I feel so pity of myself.
There was a time when I hated all the boys who used to date so many girls. I thought they are wasting their precious times by not finding the right person. Also I was religious that's why I see physical relations as a sin. Not as a mean of entertainment. And after the event 1 that cheater's experience I grew and in 3/4 years I loss faith in religion. So now I know it is not a sin. it is not good or bad May be I had known this by the time I proposed her may be I would have been more tolerant at it. But some questions still killing my brain cells?
Am I ready to accept that some one had an extra martial relation in her past?
Am I ready to accept someone who had several ( may be physical also) relations in past?
I don't know. Now when I see my self I feel I am already quite old to start fresh. I tried to move on I found a girl who is 12 years younger than me. How am I supposed to get involved with a kid?
Also I cannot trust anyone for event 1. I simply don't feel anything. Once I was so sad when she went away to USA. Now I simple just don't feel anything. I tried it with this 12 yr young kid. If she does or does not want to talk with me I don't feel anything. I also have a feeling that her emotion is temporary. She will change sooner than later.
The first day she stopped talking I went to find another in facebook group.
I just don't understand where I am heading.
My family pushing me to marry
My friends insulting me for not having a wife at this age.
One this is for sure I know
I don't want to get married just because I have to
I want to fall in love and be sure that I want someone permanently
but I no longer fall in love. I don't feel anything
I have now grey hairs and beards
I don't find anyone attracting of my age
whom I find attracting are so younger than me
because of chasing only one person for year after years i haven't developed any skill for the dating game
Who developed then?
that girl who played many. She is just so good at attractive me and other guys
So should I also try to become like them?
But I am good. I have my standards
But my standards are bullshit setup by religion that prevented me from enjoying
So what should I do?
Marry as chosen by family?
But she will also have experience with many
Then why I should not?
Then I should also enjoy with many before settling?
But where is time?
And where is the skill?
May be should I go to pataya and sleep with some prostitute?
But is that what I deserve after truly loving someone for years?
So what should I do?
marriage is full of responsibility
If I marry now I only get the responsibilities not the fun.
And everyone have found their love by themselves why should not I?
Where is time?
And where is skill?
So what should I do? Not marry?
Think myself as a 20 year old?
Date as many as I like
But who will date a old guy with grey beards already?
May be live my entire life alone?
Please help this questions are all running all over my brain entire day