P.S : Sorry for vomiting everything here... you can scroll over, I don't mind.
I came across this channel where I thought to take out whatever is going on in my mind. Will go step by step to cover my story,
Since beginning from my college days, I am carrier oriented person. Never thought to get into relationship things, may be because I was introvert and had a self doubt that why anyone will like/love me?
Because I thought that I am not that good looking, or having smart personality like my siblings and many of my friends, always had a self doubt, which whenever I felt low hits me in harder.
I am a overthinker, and kind of introvert, but gradually in different phase of life built self -confidence and confronted my weakness in many areas.
But as I said I haven't gone through this love relationship thing earlier in my life, now when I tried from my side and it resulted into a big failure that I can't recover myself from it.
I met a guy in my office who was different from many others in many ways. Apart from many difference still I felt for him, and thought that even he is falling for me. I might sound weird, but my emotions were like as you start loving a song which you were familiar with but had never gave that much attention to the lyrics and music and then you start observing & giving attention to it. Everytime when you listen that song, you found something new which let you listen it again and again, and you came across something new and interesting note which let you love that song more (I told you I might sound weird). In the same way I started having strong feelings for him. I thought somewhere he also liked me, I mean his way of looking at me & finding me made me feel like he loves me. He is someone who will hardly express his feelings and as I was older than him, he might me hesitant to do so. I proposed him.
Sadly, He said no,as it was my very first rejection, I felt bad and he being my office mate and good friend of mine thought I am feeling bad, it would be better to stop everything there but then life happen. Next day he said he feels attracted to me but don't know whether he loves me or not. Then I imagined (being an overthinker) that he loves me but he is trying to hide that feeling.
Gradually few months passed, I always found a connect and even he tried from his end, but never said those three words. I thought everyone doesn't have same way of loving, if I am saying that it doesn't mean that I love him more than he loves me. Yes I thought he loves me... I had good time with him I felt emotionally secured which led me being vulnerable. He always said that he will never give commitment, or we are together now but will not be forever, but I had hope (I think still pinch of it left) .. hope that he will not leave me. It was Mar'20, covid happen and I came to my hometown. After few days and some arguments regarding future I thought to end it. I remember that night vividly, we both cried while texting then he called me and said he is there and he is not going anywhere. That minor doubt, that we will not be together, vanished in that very second. I was confirm that he will never leave me... but every story is not having happy ending. After sometime we stopped talking as we had exam, which we were prepping for our higher studies. I was not able to have proper concentration on my exam prep and if a female is close to her 30's then she will get alarms from family for getting married.
Exam, arrange marriage pressure, and tragic love life arose self-doubt. It made me anxious and whenever my parents share a proposal to me I panic and start thinking about him.
He is 3 years younger than I, I thought as his is still figuring out what he wants to be and follow his asperations that's why he is running away from our relationship. I tried talking to him again and again, this act made me more far from him. Now we rarely talk even as friends.
After 6 months holding this pain and figuring out what went wrong between us... finally I got a chance to meet him to ask him what is the main reason, he said it was just physical attraction not emotional connect from his side .... he was forcing himself into this relationship...I thought he si lying. I don't know why I had this much hope from him ..... being a self-made women I don't know whom should I reach out to talk about this.... because what will other people do ... nothing... still sometime I think he will come back to me ... may be ... but I am wrong I know but can't help it.
Now my current situation is
1. haven't given exam
2. feel stuck in one situation
3. fomo of whether I will be able to open up with anyone in rest of my life