Male, 30, engineer with high grades from one of India's top 10 colleges. Plenty of diverse interests which are now secondary. Consistent poor career guidance including almost instant dismissal of several potential career choices as 'fad', 'no meaning' etc. by father (who has same qualifications as me) during my college days and pieces of irrelevant advice in past few years; people on LinkedIn etc have offered help and then ditched me; possess good broad knowledge but extremely scattered skill set and experience seem irrelevant everywhere (was not selected even for an entry level job earlier this year, much before Covid lockdown). Always learning something either for job or for myself and have always shown good results/made useful recommendations, but increasingly feel directionless and useless. Had faced a few months of extreme stress at previous job around 3 years ago. Feel the need for constant strong guidance and incapable of independent planning, feel I have been pushed into senior responsibilities or senior designations without having the capabilities. Not getting relevant exposure. Earning just over 30k INR per month.
Reserved nature, often indecisive and awkward since childhood, several instances (but none severe) of my behaviour showing 'lack of common sense'. Feel absolutely lost when in a situation where I have to do/decide something quickly. Often find myself performing small but unusual body movements (since several years), and sometimes feel confused when doing multiple physical activities (such as holding one object and trying to do something else, it often doesn't strike me that I can simply place the held object somewhere close by, do the work and then handle that object again). Have seen 3 different therapists, have spoken about indecisiveness, reserved nature and some points regarding physical awkwardness, but all seem to ignore the fact that some of these issues were present even before the stressful period and concentrate only on the depression/condition after the stressful period. Feel like I have seen and experienced enough to know that something is 'off' about me. But have lived independently and can cook and do household chores (only positive thing in the past 18 months).
Feel confused, directionless and hopeless in career and as a result in life. Sometimes feel worse off today than I was when I started college; feel that several years have been utterly wasted and that I am lagging behind by at least 3-4 years to what could be reasonably expected. Frequently struggling with emotions since last few months, even after returning home. Just started PG diploma (but quit within a few days as I felt course content would add hardly anything to my profile) and also preparing for GATE (two unsuccessful attempts before - one 6 years ago and one 2 years ago) but not hopeful about good outcome and clueless of how to deal with bad outcome. Feel too risky to quit job just for preparation, and growing increasingly skeptical about all those courses/certifications cropping up everywhere, especially after not-too-good experiences with two courses on analytics in last 18 months. Feel that people in general are insincere, inconsiderate and dishonest. Fail to understand why so much hype about trivial and irrelevant things. Hardly any close friends, though I do try to maintain contact with them despite them hardly ever reciprocating. Desire to be in a relationship but do not feel fit for it, probably even for next 5-6 years, afraid that I might become a burden.