Hello I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got such a damaged relationship with your mother but nothing is ever too broken to be fixed.
I haven’t always had the best relationship with my parents, you could say in some aspects it was abusive at times both verbally and physically and it does get to a point where you just have enough and can’t deal with it anymore. I’m totally understanding and can relate when you say it has changed you as a person, you struggle to trust people and it makes you see things in a different way.
For people like us the one way to move on from this trauma and to be able to regain our self esteem is to accept the past for what it is and accept what happened. Thinking about might bring us pain both psychologically and physically but it’s important we don’t allow the past to control our future. It’s very easy to allow past events to mould the way we think and the way we are with other people but because we know first hand how it feels to be treated a certain way this should enable us to make sure we ourselves don’t go down that same route behaving in the way your mum has towards you. Through experience I’ve learnt that it’s easier to express the pain through hurting others because you start to feel like you went through it so why should I care about the feelings of other but this is what we need to avoid or things will only get tougher.
So once you’ve accepted what’s happened before you’ll find you won’t be in possession of a lot of anger towards people even if they haven’t done anything to you, from there you’ll be able to open up more and express you’re feelings more without holding them in.
Like yourself I’ve been through times we’re I feel rejected and unwanted, you feel as if no matter what you do no matter how much good you do it’s never enough for people to either accept you or just want you. I don’t want to sound like an expert and say I’ve got all the answer because I don’t but for this one the best advice I can give is to give it time, if you follow what I’ve said before such as be open and express you’re feelings you’re naturally going to let people get closer to you and with that will come the feeling of being wanted and someone who actually cares for you.
I hope I’ve helped in some way, good luck in finding some inner peace I know it’s hard but you can do it, nothing is ever beyond repair even our broken hearts and shattered hopes.