Thank you for sharing in detail about your experiences and your concerns. It takes courage to talk about some of our deep and personal experiences, but it is also one of the most helpful steps we could take, in the direction of our growth and healing.
I cannot help but notice the clarity of thought that you have, the kind of awareness you have grown to develop about how you relate with others, how you would like to relate to them, and how you wish to be treated by others.
I hear that you are in a continuous process of figuring out such challenging relationship dynamics when you have to encounter them, and I understand how it might sometimes leave you feeling helpless, drained and confused.
Your relationship with your parents, particularly like how you shared, some of your experiences with your father, are likely to influence your relationships. I see that you are aware of this. At the same time, please also know, that it need not steer or drive all your relationships. It is very much possible for you to also experience relationships differently, handle sensitivity differently, take care of yourself as priority and choose to take care of yourself as well, as an adult today, while relating with others. Maybe back then as a child, you were alone, helpless, and no one was there to stand up for you or your needs, to protect you and comfort you, and you were by yourself a child, yea........? I can imagine that must have not been easy at all! Today, however, you are an adult, with capacity to reason, to know that you are no longer helpless, and that you yourself can provide that safety, reassurance, nurturing for yourself. You can stand up for yourself, you can shield yourself from hurt and blame or when others relate to you in unhealthy ways, for whatever reasons. Today, you can take care of yourself and that is OKAY. Very much okay, you owe it to yourself and no one can take this right away from you or question you for it.
Taking care of your own needs, drawing your boundaries - is your right - it is not selfish. We are made to feel that it is so; But it is not so at all. What could be unhealthy is to look after ourselves at the expense of the other. Taking care of yourself when another person seems to violate your boundaries of space or respect is nothing but healthy. And necessary. So I would only encourage you to do so/ keep doing so.
I do see, from what you share, that you have been and still are, trying in so many ways to understand your identity, communicate your boundaries to others, and to take care of yourself. I appreciate you for that!
And I also understand how this might get difficult, especially if the other person is not able to appreciate this, and maybe does not receive it well. If the other person responds negatively to your communication of boundaries or when you take care of yourself, it is natural for you to feel terrible and question what you are doing. And here is where I would really like you to know - that as long as you are doing what is healthy for you, taking care of yourself, and not violating another person's boundaries, there is no reason for you to feel badly about what you are doing. IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF ALL OF THE OTHER PERSON'S EMOTIONS. If the other person is not able to understand your boundaries when you communicate them, maybe that is part of their baggage, that they need to try and learn to manage. You need not take responsibility for the other person's emotion or sensitivity in every situation.
Just like you are an adult and have responsibility to take care of your own well-being and emotions, they have their own. Let them take care of themselves. Allow them to feel sad or angry and have their process with it, and their own necessary learning. You could acknowledge their emotions - that it is not easy for them maybe, respect their reasons and emotions, but you need not question yourself or stop standing up for yourself.
So yes, I will tell you, loud and clear---
IT IS NOT WRONG FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BY ASSERTING YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS APPROPRIATELY
RELATIONSHIP IS A TWO WAY STREET. YOU NEED TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND THE OTHER PERSON. THEY ALSO NEED TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND YOU. IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS AND LOOK FOR UNDERSTANDING FROM THE OTHER.
IT IS OKAY TO DISAGREE, OR SAY NO TO SOMEONE IF THAT IS YOUR POSITION. RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT CONDITIONAL. YOU ARE LOVED AND ACCEPTED REGARDLESS, YEA..... FOR JUST WHO YOU ARE!
YOU CAN ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR OWN SELF, BY HEARING YOUR OWN FEELINGS, AND COMMUNICATING YOUR FEELINGS AND BOUNDARIES. HOW OTHERS SEE US IS OFTEN A REFLECTION OF HOW WE DEEPLY SEE OURSELVES.
And most importantly, Shruthiiiii,
You are fine just the way you are! I see you learning, growing and that is just how you need to be, as a person. At any point in time, you are Not expected to have it all figured out. You might find that this, or some other aspect of your life might come up once in a while, and make you feel like you have some things that are hard for you to manage. And that is OKAY. You are not supposed to be a perfect person. That is unrealistic. All you need to be, is holding on, trying to find better ways each time, to maybe navigate through situations. And things would get better at their own pace. So while you work on some of these challenges, also allow yourself to be okay with who you are. You are beautiful and lovable and YOU, because of ALL these qualities that make up you and your life. Yea?
Hope you find continued strength to hold on and keep moving forward. : )