I am from a middle class family where studies and jobs are considered capital of life.I recently passed Life's Silver Jubilee and I am the first child of my parents.And as you all know that parents do their utmost to give better education to their child so that he could do a good job.Something similar happened to me.Parents got me admitted in a big CBSE school.And in my mind I sat down that it is everything to bring top marks in class.With this Mindset, I came in 12th class,I got 72%, my subject was PCM.I decided not to study further after 12th.Lack of understanding and forward-looking was its main reason.And in past the emotions were hurt, some emotional damage was also done which has a profound effect on my heart which I still feel today.When I was in 9th class, a teacher was transferred.My parents wanted me to perform very well in academics.And that teacher's role was very important in achieving this.And it is human nature that one needs one's guidance and support to achieve something, and when it gets support and success too.Then, For that guide becomes a special place in his life, respect is increased for him. My conscience broke due to her transfer.
After that, I also stopped talking to my friends and started living alone.I started feeling empty.Somehow i pass 12th.
At the same time, I got used to musterbation.I got admission in college after 12th.Like I wrote above, whatever happened to me, I decided not to study further.Due to parents' insistence, I took admission in college and I did not go to college, told parents that I will just go for exams.When I went to college, I felt restless, nervous, and I couldn't stay there long, I was very angry at that time.I came back and went to my room and slept and told my parents that my health is not good and I cannot give exams.Poor parents tried to study me for 3 years.He lowered my course level every year so that I could study.But neither did I tell my state of mind nor help from any professional.That's how my 3 years passed.And in the meantime, I got a smartphone, musterbation and porn addiction became stronger.I only lived in my room and stayed in it throughout the day and night.In 2016 I suffered from a Potts spine disease.I was deeply hurt by this disease and my frustration with life increased.Because this disease was physically and its pain was visible,My parents and well-wishers took care of me and by God's grace I recovered after 2 years.It is here that I wonder why my parents did not understand my mental state.And meanwhile, I was so depressed that I reached the suicide, the parents came to know, they wanted to know the reason for me.I said i will tell dr only,We went to the psychiatrist,I told the whole history to Dr.And while the parents were sitting outside, I didn't want to tell the parents.
Ate medicine for 2 months and had some counseling sessions.After that i stopped the medicine.because I had heard my parents saying that now they are tired of me, by treating me .I feel sorry for hearing this, if that sadness is put on a mountain, then that mountain also turns into a smaller piecess.
I understood the need for money and education.I regret my life .And this feeling served as fuel for my addiction.And now I have become so used to it that I do it even though I do not want to.
After leaving the medicine my parents started asking me to do some work.They started a general store for me at home.
I don't want to spend my life in general store.I want to be with educated people.I see my school friends on Facebook, they have graduated and are doing good jobs. And I can't even talk to them.
My parents are now asking me to marry, because my cousin is married and is living his life.parents are giving example of his life.
I feel that I am standing at the door of the next phase of my life empty handed.I don't want to go anymore.I had to study, and studying at that time would have given a different result.Now i want but i don't feel like studying.My parents look at me but don't speak anything, maybe they know my bad addiction.The harm of bad addiction can be seen in my life. And it is not that I did nothing to get freedom from it.
I have been trying continuously for 2 years, I sold my smartphone, I kept myself hungry, I read a lot of articles.The last 2 months I also talked to experts on Yordost.But I couldn't win.I also closed the general store after Lockdown.
My mother has come to know my bad addiction and I feel very sorry now, I can not live this shame.
I know the rights of parents well and want to fulfill them.
I can't stand the image that is lying on me after getting caught with bad addiction .
I thank you for understanding and at the same time humbly request you to give me a new life.Life where there is no Regret, a true friend, a purpose to live, and parents have a reason to be proud of me.And I tried very hard to find what I should do now, which way I should move,I did not get an answer.And when I get shy and sorry after living my life, I want to get rid of such life.