Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this platform. From you words, it seems like you are attached to this person for a long time now. And it is understandable that you are confused about how to proceed in your relationship with him, considering he is married and does not want to divorce his wife.
One exercise that may hep you in this situation is to ask yourself the following questions:
"Will I be happy to stay in a relationship with a married man who will never divorce his wife?"
"How do my future look like in the next 10 years?"
"If I have to picture my life without him, how will that be?"
I understand that you both care for each other and it may seem extremely difficult to not picture him in your life at this point of time. By reflecting on the above mentioned questions, you can get some clarity on what will keep you happy in the long run. This can help you clearing out your conflicting thoughts, and provide you with direction that is best for you.
Hope this exercise can provide you with some insights. But if you want to discuss more on this, we are here to hear you out.
Nandana Priya Kamasani