One year ago, I fell into an endless dark hole.
At the face value, it was just about failing a subject in college and being left behind. But under it all, it was a breakdown of years of accumulation of a low self worth, people pleasing behaviour.
From being the centre of the universe to being that weird gloomy girl in the corner of my class/hostel, this became a reality.
Just like everyone, it took me few months to realise what I had become; insomnia struck hard, anxiety attacks at 3 a.m, journaling straight up crack from my head... And alcohol abuse.
Buddhism, meditation and some true friends were able to help me out of it. I have been fairing well since then. Everything is back to normal. But I seem to have carried some scars on from those days.
For one, I dread thunderstorms and lightning.
They scare the living shit out of me and give me enough heart palpitations to bring a 10 people back to life haha. I never had it in childhood. This Phobia was a gift my depressive episodes gave me.
When I am tense (say when I am getting late for an exam), the panic attacks strike back.
I am working on these, but rn I live with my family. They do not understand what these episodes are. I am made fun of, being scared of lightning like a child and my panic attacks seem to them like I am merely upset.
I miss having my friends to help me with these problems and genuinely do not have anyone to share this with or seek help from at this time.
Only hoping that I can make it on my own.
Please suggest some respite out of this dilemma.
-A 23 yo