Thank you for expressing yourself at this forum. The experiences you've had were painful and it would have been difficult enduring the same. We often look for a place of belongingness and love, the first which we seek is where our family is. It's debilitating to see the dynamics at home disrupted or rather unhealthy. This often leads to emotional instability and questions our sense of meaning to everything.
Although it might seem like you've hit a roadblock at your career, it is evident that you've kept your efforts at it perennial in the near past. I believe you already have an undergraduate education in science which is invaluable. Where you executed decisiveness by stepping back from the M.Tech., you also made sure you found and exploited your skills elsewhere. You seem to have never given up harnessing your potential. This is commendable considering you've managed to accomplish so much despite all the distress and pain. The lack of will and despair surrounding doubt about your current career area might be heavily influenced by your mental health. Since you are insightful, you'd know that if we have impaired emotional health, it affects our judgment as well as functioning even in areas we can be great performers at. It's a loop that will generate negative feedback like feelings of inadequacy.
It is tough to execute socialization skills when there are many internal conflicts. Again, each time you might approach a social situation, the vicious cycle of negative feedback might lead to inhibitions. This loop is difficult to break, but it is possible by becoming aware of it, evaluating it and identifying thought patterns.
In the highly exposed world that we live in, which sends us through a flux of socio-political changes very often, such questions and feelings are natural. It shows that you are an aware citizen, and this insecurity might also accompany concern. You might have ambiguous but strong feelings about the brain drain phenomena, which is okay. At the end of every road, we humans have the power to execute a free will, even if it means sailing through a culture change for better opportunities.
I can see that the despair could also be stemming from the fact that you've tried psychological support before but somehow you couldn't find the change you wanted. Every therapist uses a customization of several approaches to assist you, but it is quintessential to equip the client with skills to function, decide and navigate through life successfully. The roadblocks, hardships, shocks, ups, and downs are inevitable, but each individual has his/her own potential. Therapy over time offers self-exploration but at the same time allows the client-therapist to co-construct a reality together. The time and energy invested in this can allow the therapist to move beyond the conventional paradigms, see you for what you are in your being, and help you do justice to a life that can be lived wonderfully. It doesn't have to be a rosy picture, but therapy can make you embrace chaos by harnessing the power of emotional intelligence.
I am not questioning this hopelessness, nor can I walk in your shoes to know exactly how you feel because I haven't had your share of pain. But as a counselor, I would recommend that you speak to us over chat/audio/video sessions and let's see the nature of your past treatment, and if we can offer a holistic and effective treatment where there are constant feedback and a safe space.
Also, If you think you are in crisis, please use this helpline number and you will get assistance:
I hope you feel better,