Only you can really understand what all your experiences have really been while growing up, as you probably struggled between needing care and attention as a child and not always knowing how to attend to your mother or look after her when she might have needed the same. The confusion, guilt, and other painful emotions this might have brought along, are something you have survived through and reached where you are today. Today, yes, there are likely to be bits of that in you, still affecting you. Yet, along with that, you are also so much more – of what you have learnt, are learning and understanding, as an adult.
You seem to have had a really hard time in college, with academics and also personally, unable to probably take care of yourself or manage what was happening with you. Such experiences leave some of us with a major lack of self esteem and almost no hope in ourselves. However, I am glad to see how you are able to find that you do have some strengths within you – such as your intellect (that showed in the aptitude and general ability tests, with little preparation). That is really something.
Civil services Exams, you mentioned - they are challenging and not easy to clear. It is good to see that you are opening yourself for goals such as these; please continue to stay in touch with the parts of you that believe in your capacity to work towards dreams like these and more.
Also, instead of looking at “all days being bad”, you are able to look more realistically at how there are some days you indeed are able to study well and some where you are unable to. This is a sign of maturity, as it narrows down the challenging aspects to “some days” which can then be processed and maybe worked-through. What do you think?
"Will you never be able to make something out of you?" I hear your fear. At the same time, I would like you to look within yourself and try to genuinely answer this question yourself. From how you have shared things about you, I believe you would arrive at an answer that is fairly positive, and might in fact lessen your own fear.
Maybe you could be kinder when you assess yourself?
Even with some challenging circumstances growing up, you seem to have grown to become a more self aware individual today, probably capable of taking care of his own needs better, and eventually, if he would like to try, then to have a better relationship with his mother as well.
Difficult experiences can leave us either broken and dysfunctional or stronger and more resilient. I somehow get a feeling that you belong to the latter. I wonder what you think…
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