Thank you for describing your experiences the way you have and for sharing your thoughts…
I find it interesting how you have shared about the things you've "done", like a checklist marked and completed of sorts. Because I look at them as a big deal and much work that might have gone into them for you to have accomplished all this. Cheers to you for that. And what you have done and invested in so far does add value to who you are as a person today, yea?
At the same time, I hear what you share about how strongly you feel you have missed out on other "fun" things you might have wanted to also engage in through your years growing up.
You feel like an elderly person, you say. Maybe you would like the energetic, fun and childlike part of you to surface again, to maybe feel "younger"?
From what you have shared, I see you have multifaceted talents, interests and strengths, spread across performing arts, creative arts and sports as well? And I find that amazing, that somehow you have been able to harness some of these within you along with academics and learning!
You have asked some important questions... like... "What really matters in life"
And your "bigger question" - I find that to be very relevant. I am glad you are thinking on those lines. It takes courage to do so. I will come back to my thoughts on this in a bit, yea.
You have shared about how you find yourself relating with love. At one point you said that you don't love anyone and find yourself pushing others away for some reasons, and at another point you expressed your desire to "love and help others” and potentially derive joy and satisfaction from that. Yea..? Sounds like a struggle between two differing parts inside you, and you unable to understand which one to hold on to?
To me, you appear to be in touch with things you want and desire, in terms of knowing what they are, and I see that as a big deal. You do not look like someone who has to step out and find what those things are that give meaning to them, but rather you seem to be aware of some of those things. The issue seems to be that you seem unsure of whether or not you could pursue them and invest your life and resources in those directions. Yea?
You said you cannot change things about you overnight. I wonder what it is you are looking to change exactly. You already seem to have an understanding of some things you seek heart-in-heart. Maybe what you are really looking to do is allow those parts of you to surface? When I say allow, I mean literally, "allow". Can you give yourself permission to want and pursue things which may not be in line with what is “supposed to be or generally pursued" but instead go after and do what you want really, for yourself?
I wonder if you realize that you indeed have the space and freedom to mark the boundaries of how you define the meaning of your life. It is up to you to choose what to pursue, what to focus on, be it - working towards placements, thinking about how to bring in more fun and recreation into your life, using resources mindfully to make your bit of contribution to the deteriorating state of nature, interacting with monks to understand how they live (experimenting with your philosophical interests), serving society through an NGO or by yourself, or even to encourage a friend or fellow being of yours (another "intelligent youth") in shaping his/her future a certain way.. yea? You could decide and choose, to do these… all of them... some of them... or a mix of them. Could you give yourself permission to realize this freedom of yours? That only your time and resources might really draw your boundaries at some point and sometimes even they could be worked through?
I would like to leave you with the answer to your question at the end, which I find to be very significant - that none of what is in your head is "non-sense". It is important that you value your feelings and thoughts and give shape to those that bring you meaning and fulfillment.
Best wishes in your journey ahead!