I need your help, guidance and support.
I feel sad, confused, helpless, lack of life interest, low confidence, alone....
I have Feelings of Guilt, Worthlessness, Helplessness, or Hopelessness
I have Difficulty Concentrating and Poor Memory
I don't know how to resolve this.
I don't have polio, I have not lost any body part because of disease or accident, I don't lose money in gambling, I don't have cancer, I don't get into debt, I don't get divorced, I don't lost my parents or closest family member, i am not an alcoholic, I am straight, I am not transgender, I have not lost my kids in accident, I don't lost everything in natural disaster, I haven't lost my father or mother or brother or wife or kid.
Since a long time I have been facing some issues. When i wake up i feel so tired. and i lose most of my energy by noon. so again i try to take some power naps but I can't feel fresh. I try to take coffee or tea but it doesn't work out on me. I have tired cigarettes.
to over come this I had taken 3-4 days off from job so many times to take rest and meditate and go for long walks , donate food and stuff like that. but still when i wake on other day i feel tired and something heavy lay on my head. I have volunteered to some social organisations in past to improve.
I have back pain and neck pain and shoulder pain since so long, approx 8 years. I have had eye burning issues for a very long time. I can't focus while reading for learning new things or reading for exams since 12 years. I started having headaches when i try to think deeper to do programming. since 14 years i have wanted to have sex but i can't . may be i can't focus because of it and may be i have back pain because of masturbation.
I guess i can't manage stress or more working hours stress and learning new things on deadline. I guess i can't perform well because of back pain and eye burning and low memory.
I have tired so many things to come out of this life situation. or say improve life.
I have taken art of living courses, I used to go to bhakti in art of living, I have tried vipassana, I have tried iskcon concept to improve life and do chatting of krishna, I had visited swaminarayan to get gyan from them to resolve my life issues, I had done chatting and writing of gayatri mantra, I had visited monks of ramakrishna mission to get help, I used to go to shiva temple to get help from god shiva, I have listen to Osho to get help from his talks, I have visited few baba to ask solutions to my problem. I have visited mind healing centers to get mental support. i have get Bioenergizer Bio energy card to get strength from it. I have organize gayatri yagna for strength.
I have taken clinical psychology treatment for few months because of sleeplessness at nights. I had taken following medicines.
Flupentixol and Melitracen
pantoprazole 40 mg domperidone 10 mg
I had consulted few astrologers over 3 years of periods. They predict such bad things about my life, and they also tell me about problems i faced since last 12 years. Most of them said that i am dreaming about so high desires but none of them will be complete. They said that i have very high sexual desires which will never be satisfied. I will never go to foreign countries. I will not perform good in job or business. I have to depend on my parents and my wife will rule on me. I can't become father because of low sperms count or other sexual issues. I have wavering mind. I can't focus on one task and finish it.
During these whole period i used to get worried about my parents growing age and feeling of loosing them or they will leave me. even i feel that i can't get settle down and my age is growing so fast. i guess this thing happen because i have talk with some spiritual gurus who used to threaten their followers by talking about death and sin.
i used listen motivational talks from sandeep maheshwari, I used to watch TED talks to get motivated, I have used to listen Rajiv Dixit for patriotism and motivation, I have listened to deepak chopra for motivation, I have listen to commencement speech for motivation,
I have visited body massage centers to relax body and mind.
I have read and listen audio books of biographies of people. I have read spiritual content
I used to go for long walk to find life issues.
I have watched so many motivational and comedy Movies.
I have read your blog post "How to Know if You Are Depressed –12 Surprising Signs of Depression!" on your website. In which first Sign is backpain. which make me worried now because i have backpain. I don't know but i feel that i have it because of masturbation or working on computers with bad posture or may be because of depression.
I had tried to get good marks in 12th science but i can't get it. I had tired to study hard in Engineering but i can't get good grades in college too. because of that and because of my poor communication skills and programming skills i didn't get internship in last semester and can't get job after graduation. I have searched for job for so long time. I went to Bangalore, Pune, Mumbai etc... but i failed to get job. I have taken wrong decisions on those days. I was thinking that i should try to get into MNCs to prove myself that i am not dumb. I also believe that I didn't learn programming in college appropriately but i could learn it MNCs. I also believed that to get job in MNCs is good for overall good life. But i couldn't get job into that. after that I have started to find jobs in local companies too. But i couldn't get it.
I have searched for job around one year after graduation. but i can't get it. so finally i had decided to restart. I had joined CAT coaching and started to prepare for MBA exams. I have prepared for around one year but i get low score in all MBA exams. I spent around 30k on exams and form fees of colleges. I have spent 40k on coaching. At that time i can get admission by paying 6-8lacs in MBA colleges. but My mind felt that i should not join low raking colleges because it may again drop me in the same situation. means no job.
after graduation and starting my first job in which i get my first salary. I have joined 2 company. in one company i got fired before end of month because of poor technical skills. they gave me some programming tasks which i can't do it. and one other fresher did it with help of senior. and I had tried to do it by myself.
In the second job they fire me because i had taken urgent medical leave after 2 weeks of joining.
During these period I have also try to apply in banking jobs, government jobs, railway jobs. but i could not clear any exams. around i had spent 20k on those stuff.
Since that time I keep applying for CAT and GATE exams with limited preparations. I would like to try my luck and I give it for change.
After getting low scores in CAT. I have decided to start job. most of the companies used to say that you have career gap. you might forget everything. we don't have time to teach you or give you time learn. some companies ask for 40,000 Rs to join their company as a trainee and if they like my work. they will hire me.
So at the end after so many struggle i have decided to add 6 months of fake experience. and finally I get my first job and in which i started to get salary too. I like to stay in this company for at least 2 years. they pay on time. salary is not too high. but they work 5 days in week and good leave facilities. learning opportunities are less. but overall i was happy. But I left this company in 8 months. why? because I had trapped in one office politics. and I was started to harass and insulted every day. because of frustration i left the job without notice period. so I didn't get experience certificate.
so I have started to search job again. i get one more job with same salary but more working hours and 6 days a week. I have started there and left before one month. because I had told to get job in one my friend's company. I thought it was good company to join and get more learning opportunity. and I also left that 2nd company because in few weeks i realized that if i work in that company for 5 years. i didn't learn anything and i can't get good job based on that experience.
I worked in 3rd company for 7 months. that company was scrap . nothing to learn. nothing to earn. project was on problems. client want to close it. i had start searching job again. and i got it. i left 3rd company without notice period. because I had joined it with friend's reference. and I couldn't say him on time. so here i don't get experience certificate.
When i had got selected in forth company. It looks big company and i thought i can learn and earn in this. but within few months i realize again that it was useless for me. i stay in that company at around 6 months.
during this whole year i have tried so many companies in which i can work for long time and learn too. but i was keep rejected. I have try to certification in technical tool but i failed in that too. I have tried for 2 times and i spent 14,000 Rs in that. for the 3rd try i need to spend 7,000 rs again. which i didn't do. because i am not confident to clear that. so i had keep searching for job.
So at the end I get one job. company look good. big office. well setup. and i get little salary hike but I said yes to that company. and I worked for 2 years in that. salary hike was not so good during 2 years. I didn't learn anything meaningful in 2 years. but still I stayed in that company. because i don't have consistent experience. and I didn't have experience certificated of any previous company.
In this company i had make good friends. I had also caught in office politics at last. in this company my boss also caught in office politics by the manager hired by them. and after that i also trapped in one hard project. and started to getting harassed by management. so finally i have decided to start searching for job again.
and I get job in good company.
So first time i had got experience certificate because i have officially resign and give notice period and they relieve me on that same day of resignation.
but the problem is that. it looks like that i have so many years of experience but actually i didn't learn any meaningful things during those years. what i have learned was known by candidate with one year experience in some good company.
So i had started to facing issues. I had tried to talk about it to my TL. I tried to talk with HR. but nothing worked out. they started to harass me about my poor performance. i got stuck . and i got stresses. I have decided to leave company. I just send them mail of resignation. I don't know how to handle that situation.
after leaving this company i was stressed so i had started to taking treatment from clinical psychologist. I was confused about what to do. I had started to learn latest tools according to market need. I had started to write blog. but my English is so poor so I can't get good traffic. I had also started to build website similar to PagalGuy. where people come and discuss about job experience. technical issues. I have stared to give online training. I got some part time SEO work.
I spent around 3-4 months. My English writing is not good. I just copy paste and edit good stuff to make a blog. to just provide some good information for people who are learning technology, job and interview help, career guidance, CAT preparation etc....
During those time one of my friend told me not to waste time in all these and he told me to join company in which he was working. because of his strong reference. I get job without much hard selection process. and compare to past companies i got good salary. but i faced same issues as past company. they are expecting too much according to my number of years of experience. but my skills are not developed. so everyday I was facing issues. clients started to writing email to CEO of company about doubt on my experience and skills. there 2-3 meetings done on this too. and I had finally so frustrated. and I had decided to leave that. I want to discuss this to my boss but he was busy on that day. I didn't know how to talk this kind of issue. so i just left and send resignation letter from home. and didn't pick up the phone for one day. and just send message to my friend that deal this. i don't want to work. i am stuck.
I was so sad and confused during those days.
I had meet with some of my old friends. one of my friend liked my idea about online training. he also want to do. so we had started to do it in partnership. just we do it by mutual understanding no written partnership. he was freelancer. so he had some work of SEO. so he gave me so i can started to earn money.
we have decided to make videos first and write blogs about technology solutions related to that tools. I have stared to work on it . but i was in a kind of depression and lack of confidence. I can't do it effectively. and time started to running and i spend around 5-7 months. and my friend get frustrated and he was blaming too much.
during this time my family decided to travel abroad for 2 months. they were working on it and I just went with them and spend time in abroad.
after that when I come back I have decided to give exams to get admission in some college. just for change. i had also applied for government jobs. I had decided to start job in college and start mtech in that college.
in this all stuff i spent 3-4 months and results of exams of that college declared . so I had decided to join it. i just want to change my stream.
After selection in that college. there are some months gap to start first semester. I had joined it. I feel so frustrating in studying in classroom. I felt that this was not for me. I also face one issue that everyone in college are so young and i am only old. so people keep distance with me. and talk with me like i am too old. This is also my weakness that I can't accept my growing age.
during college days I had traveled so many places in India and learn a lot about India. meet so many new people.
There is one more weakness of mine is sex desire. I can't control my sex desire. I didn't get sex since 15 years. there were no girls in my class in high school days. there were so less girls in college days and I was from middle class. so I couldn't afford girlfriend. I had struggled with job. and in every job there are very less girls because I worked in very small companies. and those girls don't like to talk with less salary boys.
I am also too much guilty about my sex desire. because that I had decided to join some spiritual organisation during my job days. they were brainwashing young kids and make them saint. I had started to attended their workshop. and I feel good initially. I thought my sexual desire with be diminished because of that and i can focus on my career.
and they keep talking about benefits of celibacy and stay unmarried. Actually they want lots of free workers for their organisations so they used to do this. but I trapped in their ideology. and still i believe that it's better to stay single. but i can't control my sex desire. I had control my sex desire for around one year. I had stop masturbating and start chanting when sex thoughts come in my mind. i had attended their workshops on daily basis around 3 years. and read lots of spiritual content to practice celibacy. i had come in the impression of other young kids who are doctors, CA, computer engineer, layers, rich kids, NRI kids, join this and feel change in their life. but i didn't feel the change.
I thought about visiting some escorts services. but I couldn't take that risk. it's too costly too. I had then join some dating websites and Facebook groups to find girls for video sex. and I find it too. I had done that. but i can't enjoy it much.
so when I joined that college I thought that i can make girlfriend and having sex. but most of girls are so young and they keep distance with me. and they make their boyfriends in first few months. and most of have their boyfriend from their past college.
so I feel frustrated again.
finally after 6 month i left that college too. during that 6 month i had not masturbate and control sex desire.
after leaving college again trying to start thinking to do something else.
I had start learning courses from edx and youtube and coursera.
I had learn basics of photography, videography, photo editing, video editing,
I had tried to improve English,
I had tried to learn about history of china, usa, brazil and more...
I have read lots of books related to India, motivation, social science.
I had gone to roadtrip. I had started to attend startup workshops.
I don't want to start searching for job. because I have lots or career gap and i don't know for which kind of job positions i should apply. I don't want to face age difference again.
I have decided to start my own business.
I had think on it. do lots of research. i had try to learn required skills for that. but i don't have confidence to start. i have lots of fear to explain my career issues. because I had faced this in last college days. people keep asking me what did you do in your last company?. how much was your salary?. why did you join this college again?. This was also the reason to leave that college.
time is running so fast and in this whole process I spent around 2 years after leaving college.
Now I am 31 years old. No job. No real job experience which help me to get new job now. I have big career gap which also create problem to getting job. i am not married. i am also confuse about marriage. I don't have source of earning.
I don't know what should I do to start life again. and earn good money and get married i guess so i don't need to worry about sex life.
should I go to do masters in USA/ Canada/ Australia?
Should make fake experience certificates and apply for PR in Canada and Australia and NZ?
I guess there is no scope for me in Government job now. or may i need to pay big bribe to get job.
I guess getting job in banking is not so possible.
I guess joining MBA college is also hard and even it's hard to study for 2 years and get good marks and again start to give interview to get 20k salary/month.
I guess starting small business require 30-50 lacs.
Ultimately I am weak in technical, i am weak in office politics and management, I am weak in English speaking and writing, I am weak in learning new things fast, I am weak in working in under pressure, I have lots of career gap, I have no achievement in career, I can't control sex desire,
God bless me.