My friend if only ending it all actually ended it all. But there are guards standing at the gates of suicide. If only one could just vanish out of existence. To have never existed at all. Never brought into this incomprehensible and uncaring world. I am 21 years old, exhausted to the point of tears. I too suffer from this. Though it is not crippling depression exactly. It is crippling "something". I am dizzy in the head. I also want to end it all. I too want to be free from the futility of my life. I would say read the myth of sisyphus by Albert Camus, On the heights of despair by Emil Cioran and Nausea by Sartre. See if it would help at least to comprehend. For the time being try to go around and correspond with people with depression. One can always end it. But one must do so in full resolve, with no doubts. and I doubt you have that resolve. Have a Good day!