Please help me to move on with this so called life

[shettys-space-pqop3]

Hi,thank you for this platform to share my problem.I used to love my friend whom I knew very well. But I didn't get courage to express to him. Later I thought it will not work and I started looking for guy in matrimony. I lost interest in marriage as everyone whom I met wasn't really interested in marriage/commitment. I belong to an Indian family and working in United arab Emirates,I am 26 now.Last year my family started getting proposals and I didn't like any.I realized I cant go for arranged marriage.I created profile on Matrimony and started desliking all the ones of same catse.Finally found someone of different caste(lower) and different community who is from Canada and he was very much interested in marrying me and somehow I made my mind to marry.I only put effort meet his family which is settled in Singapore,I convinced myself to like him eventhough I actually didn't like him(loos/nature-nothing attracted me).The only reason attracted was he wanted to marry a beautiful girl/ready for commitment.(Now I feel so foolish about my reason) Had to put effort to make it work by convincing me paprents.They didn't like,but they though great family and all since settled out of the country. But that's not the reality.Family doesn't have any bonding to son,they keep scolding him that he is a waste and all which I got to know after few months.So out of sympathy I started showing affection towards him which converted like a bonding between us. Later, my marriage got fixed but got postponed due to covid situation but we could registered in Singapore(I travelled) without anyone from my side. WeWe are in 2 different countries. Recently like a month ago I got to know that, the friend on whom I had feelings had strong feelings on me as well. But he couldn't express as I was hurrying on marriage.I met him to confirm it,he said it and told me that we will never meet again, as I am already married. I feel terrible right now. What shall I do? Talking about marriage, I got stuck in Singapore due to Covid lockdown for 4 months. Family wasn't great as mom and his sister used to fight, everyone were too selfish and money minded(kept saying to their son many a times that he should have gone for arranged marriage and they would have got dowry,i felt so bad to know and they were showing fake affection towards me). I can't leave the guy who has registered the marriage with me.I totally got stuck and made everything work by myself, I should have been slow. He was hurrying on marriage and I just went with the flow.Eventhough we stayed together for 4 months,I didn't feel connected to him but as everytime I just became selfless. But I know I won't be happy with him. But for my happiness I can't take his happiness away,he always says that he couldn't find a committed relationship all his life,he is proud of finding a beautiful girl like me,asks me never to leave him.He is proud of me being his wife. I literally feel terrible.I had never found love before and I was waiting my whole life for a right person after being in 2-3 short term relationships and being the very good girlfriend and now this happened to my life.I wish I can go back to single life and look for someone and take time to marry him.I wish I could get divorce. but it really feels terrible to think about its impact on me.him,my mom(dad passed away recently)Hope you can make me feel little better.

[tryforhelp]

Hi Dear,

Sometimes, We have to take hard decisions in life and it is time now.
In Marriage, most important thing is to be happy first and then ready to adjust for others. So be selfish.
If u won't be happy then another person is not going to be happy at any coast and bringing a child into the world and make them grow happily will be very tough when u are mentally unstable.

write on a paper-

a) first check with your friend, if he will marry u if u will break the marriage and you are sure about your life with him.
(his family will be ok with this)
b) what things makes u unhappy in your current marrige. there will be 2 category
1) family circumstances (it will be there wherever u will marry)
2) not ok with your husband's thinking/nature/ way to live life/ behaviour towards u.

check what is troubling you more. think calmly take your time.
if both are troubling u and there is no scope of any solution. then u can think about quit. At this stage, it will be easy to move out. later it is going to be complicated

but if u feel there is an option of improvement than u think what can be done (arrange marriage is like a diamond, which takes time to make a beautiful diamond with heat pressure. it takes time to fall in love with the person ).
but don't bring kid in the world until u r settle happily.

I know, u r feeling hopeless and suffocated, but u only have to find the solution for it. there is not going to be happen any miracle like movies. I know yur dad is no more. but u hv to find out happiness(short-term issues will be there but people will forget if u will be happy ) only than yur mom will be happy. whatever decision u will take.
All the best.