at 33 I feel more like a 88 who is ready to kick the bucket than a 33 mature & thriving adult. I am more like a 16 year old who has a mind of a 12.. but my biological age is 33.
never made friends, no meaningful social relationships, Never been in a romantic relationship.. I spent my days as a kid watching television when other kids were busy socializing or studying, now I spend my days housebound with a emptiness that's denser than a black hole. While I blame & sulk at my parents, because they are the only people I interact these many years & who I feel are emotionally aloof. watching youtube videos, listening to podcasts & buying unwanted things online because every online activity ultimately is aimed at making you buy unwanted things. I fill my emotional void with things which make me further depressed & a few which I actually indulge in & like it.
overall, I feel sad, lonely, depressed & wanting to change my life. How do I reinvent is a quest I started by travelling. I went on a solo trip, I was slipped into further darkness. I felt like a lonely ghost, Like Trishanku who neither belonged to this world or the other hopelessly dangling upside down between worlds, in a limbo. I don't know what to do.. I wish I could live alone in a forest, I belong to a different era.. I wish I could live in Malgudi days kind of an era. I don't like this era.. everything is aesthetically the most ugly time especially here in India, it's so chaotic & pure mess. I seek a escapade, a isolated hermitage or a cave but emotionally I yearn for love but I am barely responsible enough to offer my own & receive. I seek deliverance.