Thank you for writing here and sharing this part of your story with us.
I am hearing that you are feeling very disturbed at this point, from not being able to connect back to him, and his non-responsiveness is really bothering you.
You seem to have gone through a series of experiences in your relationships - seeing the highs and lows of affection as well as abuse (violence as you mentioned). And now, what I understand is that with him, you seem to be finding your comfort and sense of belongingness, and hence want to hold on to him. And just not let him go - that too another time! Yea?
I am wondering, Melissaras.. what it would mean for you if he leaves, or does not continue in your life?
I see that you are looking for his love, support and companionship. We all seek these things. At the same time, what I am sensing from what you share, is that you are looking for these things from a very sensitive and vulnerable place. In other words --
"I need love and companionship. I think I find it with you. I will hold on to it. If I let this go, or if this goes, I might never find it again."
I am wondering if this is how you are relating to him at this point, Melissaras?
Your experiences so far are probably leaving you in a less secure place about love and relationships and your future in this regard. And this may be a reason why you feel this intense need to connect back to him... or the anxiety that he is leaving... and trying frantically not to let that happen.
I understand this person is very important to you. At the same time, I would encourage you to recognize this vulnerability within you, so you could maybe try and gather some strength - that the companionship you seek will rightfully come and stay with you in some form or other - and maybe this can help reduce your anxiety as you try and connect back with him?
Maybe this can help you communicate to him with more composure - about what he means to you, and how you would like his presence in your life and also, give him space to think about it and get back?
And like I said, gather strength, such that while he takes the space to reflect on it and get back to you about his position, for you to "be okay" in the meantime and not fall apart?
I hope I have been able to communicate.
What I am trying to say is that I wish you the best in your attempts to connect back together with him. At the same time, please know that possibilities of love and happiness will always be open in your life, and it could help for you to have this in mind.
Take care and warm regards,